The Tweets of August 2021
landlords are among the most potent political lobbyists because they already have experience sending crazy emails, and the free time that comes with not having a real job
— mike ginn (@shutupmikeginn) August 3, 2021
me when I get a slack notification
— Macro (@withmacro) August 2, 2021
pic.twitter.com/jJmFY00mGM
well well well, if it isn’t the bridge i said i’d cross when i came to it
— trash jones (@jzux) August 4, 2021
What's New Update History
— Andrew S (@andrew__yarf) August 5, 2021
Version 21.07.20
How y'all doing? Make sure to drink water – self-care is important, especially with what's going on in the world : Take time to breathe, and pat a dog if you can. We love you. This update allows your boss to read your DMs
I shoulda never smoke that shit now I'm in Roku City pic.twitter.com/h0FFEX0swm
— Nathan (@Humanstein) August 5, 2021
The other day my friend said “astronaut” and then panicked and said “I mean person in space” like they’d accidentally said a slur, and I can’t stop laughing about it
— Patrick Lenton (@PatrickLenton) August 5, 2021
Saying LGBT like AC/DC
— Finessa Fudges (@FinessaFudges) August 5, 2021
nothing will make you sound crazier in your day to day life than knowing about like 4 things the CIA has done and fully admitted to
— 30 year old woman yells at cloud (@lolennui) August 4, 2021
It's been nearly three years and tumblr still has me in jail for refusing to delete Gumby. pic.twitter.com/2C7mYXhopF
— INTJ – "I'm Now The Joker" (@gapingmaws) August 5, 2021
No one:
— cancela lansbury (@gossipbabies) June 4, 2021
Theyfluencer w 68k in a Hinge ad: Identity is so community! That’s why it’s so authenticity to make proud. My exist isn’t for sale—and what’s more pronouns than that? Phone
no that is your job https://t.co/KmW5TUDNFE
— Lena (@banalplay) August 6, 2021
You used to be able to apply to Harvard with just a handwritten note that said “I’ve notions” and they’d mail you back a train ticket to Boston
— Brooks Otterlake (@i_zzzzzz) August 3, 2021
— leon (@leyawn) August 5, 2021
[guy whose job is watching the numbers in his investment portfolio go up] it's time for people to get back to work
— lauren (@ActNormalOrElse) August 6, 2021
yeah i like A24…..A 24 pack of beer!!
— me, i guess (@oksoumhi) August 2, 2021
guy who confuses myst with mad men because they both feature falling guys pic.twitter.com/N0s1k6ymum
— don't hug me i'm porksweats (@porksweats1) August 10, 2021
i hope idris elba says this in the movie pic.twitter.com/VtqdZb0tYN
— Michal (@Miexriir) August 10, 2021
viral moment on the senate floor pic.twitter.com/TPhghoi8s5
— Ben Rosen (@ben_rosen) August 12, 2021
Chalk is now Pump. #ReleaseNotes pic.twitter.com/0yLjjCrtbo
— messina.eth (@chrismessina) August 10, 2021
Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”
— Asia (@AsiaDNYC) August 11, 2021
Time to wake, up drink coffee and universalize some of my very. Specific experiences
— Charlie (@BerlantBro) August 13, 2021
Oh no. pic.twitter.com/87E1tkTDHw
— 《B a k a》 猫。 (@Miatadoge) August 12, 2021
Girlfriend’s away for the weekend, you know what that means! Time to put the cast iron pan in the dishwasher
— ♥mark magark♥ (@markedly) August 12, 2021
— LeVar Burzum (@weedhitler) August 13, 2021
— ПСИХОТРОННЫЙ ЦЕНТР (@lishainik) August 14, 2021
A 5 second WarioWare microgame where you have to decide which sentence gets the 1 exclamation point of the work email
— Michal (@Miexriir) August 17, 2021
hey my wife saw you from across the bar and we really dig your vibe, can we buy you a drink pic.twitter.com/YI0h0AbhQd
— Jenna Stoeber! (@thejenna) August 18, 2021
WASSUP – https://t.co/GfqwqHWv7Y ADMIN pic.twitter.com/rMaEajPLtY
— da share z0ne (@dasharez0ne) August 19, 2021
everyone who works for pitchfork should be anonymous like michelin reviewers so they don’t need a police escort whenever they are forced to rate a lorde album
— adam (@scotchfields) August 20, 2021
staying at my friends house and her daughter has this taped to her door pic.twitter.com/l9q55S0zlr
— mad (@hithisismad) August 20, 2021
— Tom McHenry (@tommchenry) August 21, 2021
going down to the horny dq, need anything? pic.twitter.com/z6Q8yY9maT
— JB (@ghostofjohnbro) August 19, 2021
6yo (to her crying brother): "It's okay to be sad, sometimes we need to let our feelings out, just let yourself be sad."
— Ellie Hawkes (@elspells13) August 23, 2021
Me: "Oh darling, that's so lovely, well done. Why is he crying?"
6yo: "I hit him."#mumlife
(remembering you're supposed to ask questions during a date) so what's your deal
— taking a nice walk (@InternetHippo) August 23, 2021
im going down to the stores in the crew 2 anyone want anything pic.twitter.com/mBdkRGRAY8
— Snake Dealer (@bonetail_) August 26, 2021
Dad jokes are ok but Mom Jokes are insisting that a squirrel she sees a lot is the mayor of the neighborhood and every time you talk she says "I saw the mayor today."
— how's annie? (@ventriclemouse) August 25, 2021
guest rapper on gorillaz song: i been in ends since ten kicking product round the bend, my mum died of tuberculosis i'm slipping into psychosis
— Big Bitch For All Weather (@fixyourheartsor) August 26, 2021
Damon Albarn on the chorus: ooooooh flimsy steve, where did you go, what have you seen
My daughter sends me soup memes that I think (?) she’s making herself and anyway, enjoy. pic.twitter.com/yKseFjDBEi
— Kristen Hanley Cardozo (@KHandozo) August 27, 2021
Smokin on that ivermectin that makes the 5G horse appear in your yard pic.twitter.com/Id9dt7G37m
— A Friendly Slacker, PhD (@slackerpal) August 28, 2021
i'm reading a book to second graders in a classroom when somebody whispers in my ear that i've been ratio'd
— Christina Tucker (@xtinatucker) August 27, 2021
https://t.co/euxHEKUX7I pic.twitter.com/zjMTuNMClq
— Mrs Eva (famous) (@progrockgf) August 29, 2021
*picks up water bottle* huh, that’s my water bottle. hasn’t been getting much use since mom left. i’ll hold onto it for now.
— grace bruxner (@gracebruxner) August 28, 2021
How it started Vs how it’s going pic.twitter.com/Gmdqc5Xhvv
— beca grimm (@becagrimm) August 29, 2021
that’s one long mermaid pic.twitter.com/1VJFEpY5CC
— Uncle Duke (@UncleDuke1969) August 30, 2021
1991: Tim Berners-Lee releases the WWW to the public, allowing documents to be retrieved through hypertext links
— drewtoothpaste (@drewtoothpaste) August 30, 2021
2021: I have to tap 10/10 Great Job on my e-receipt or the guy who packed my prescription will get fired
— Promoted Tweets (@advertisedtwit) August 31, 2021
i thlammed my penith in the car door#ParappatheRapper #SpaceJam pic.twitter.com/SWPNb7vKb5
— ☆sol☆ (@SolScribbles) August 24, 2021
when i'm party pooping on a joke i'm sick of, i feel 100% justified, and when i see someone else doing it on a joke i'm not tired of yet, I get so fucking mad. lesson from this is my opinions are correct
— warrior cop (@wyatt_privilege) August 31, 2021
the part in a JRPG where u sneak onto a pirate ship but get caught and have to break out of jail https://t.co/SKRDSBdFNh pic.twitter.com/thx58N5Wql
— Errai (@errai) August 28, 2021