The Tweets of July 2021
[giving birth to a new follower] if it's a boy we're thinking "Mr_BallsHaver" and for a girl we like "CommieGamerHo"
— jeremy levick (@jeremylevick) July 2, 2021
Gordon ramsay: excuse me darling. what's going on back there
— lewis (@Lewiswbt1) July 2, 2021
Waitress: the uhh chef is Bigfoot
Gordon: the chef is Bigfoot?
Waitress: correct, the chef is Bigfoot
Gordon: fuck me. Ok darling thank you
(Waitress leaves)
Gordon: the chef's fucking Bigfoot. Wow. Ok. Fuck me. Wow
how is skateboarding going to be in the olympics if you cant smoke weed
— patrick (@lunch_enjoyer) July 2, 2021
"pop goes the weasel"? what the FUCK are you talking about
— broti gupta (@BrotiGupta) July 1, 2021
Memento (2000) pic.twitter.com/SK80W6Gxlm
— Eric Cunningham (@EricCunningham) July 3, 2021
It’s wild to me that you’ll see that the ocean is on fire and then have to send an email or something
— Ryan Ken (they/them) (@Ryan_Ken_Acts) July 4, 2021
found a fun playlist pic.twitter.com/qnNfakgqxi
— all dave city (@rhinotary) July 4, 2021
me: are you downloading a windows update and pretending you aren't again
— Colin Spacetwinks (@spacetwinks) May 25, 2021
my computer and internet completely eating shit while doing basic tasks: definitely not
im on that shit that killed elvis (the toilet)
— ɦǟʀɮɨռɢɛʀ օʄ ʀɨɢɦȶɛօʊֆ ֆաǟɢ (@rodentsheriff) July 3, 2021
my body: i need hydration
— slate (@PleaseBeGneiss) July 6, 2021
me: good idea let’s have a dr pepper
my body: no. like water
me: [reading ingredients of dr pepper] dude guess what
*me sweating profusely after throwing a lit cig in the ocean 3 days ago*
— eli yudin (@eliyudin) July 5, 2021
the ocean’s on what now
Group of rowdy teens started yelling "INFP" at me and told me to "go back to my projects"
— Brooks Otterlake (@i_zzzzzz) July 6, 2021
i remember when i was 6, i got ahold of my dad’s ID & it had an expiration date. spent 3 hours crying because I thought that he was set to die on that date. he asked me why i was crying and i didn’t tell him bcuz i was scared he was gonna cry as well
— هدى (@jnoubiyaa) July 1, 2021
— Simon (@Whybray) July 2, 2021
this first sentence is why it should be mandatory for every living human to keep a diary in 8th grade pic.twitter.com/cNucIrELGL
— Lindsay Zoladz (@lindsayzoladz) July 6, 2021
i love when witches make that big soup
— kit (@kitchenio) July 6, 2021
Metroidvanias, what more could you want….part Metroid….part Pennsylvania…..that’s the good stuff…..
— Ryroo Ga Gotoku (@Ry_Roo_) July 10, 2021
earthbound enemy https://t.co/Gn89nxdqSj
— ace uzumakii ❤ (@ace_uzumakii) July 10, 2021
[news anchor]: well, nothing happened today so we’re gonna play a movie
— mack (@fun_mack) July 11, 2021
APE 1: You okay, man?
— $40.00 of cheese curds, for personal consumption (@SeanRMoorhead) July 13, 2021
APE 2 [pounding head with bone]: I just, thought of some stupid shit I did before the monolith made us smart,
bidoof coming out of its pokeball pic.twitter.com/aw0R4gsRof
— giabuchi's room (@jaboukie) July 18, 2021
10yo watching Charlie Brown: Wait, is Charlie Brown depressed
— lee gatlin (@neilaglet) July 13, 2021
Me: Yes
10yo: Do they do anything about it
Me: no
Thinking about the slab of foam they gave me in the hospital because they “thought I’d enjoy it” pic.twitter.com/7Ndb0uvv3C
— Sophie (@jil_slander) July 20, 2021
[santa baby voice] eeby deeby
— Roy Kent’s hip movement (@emilyhughes) July 20, 2021
you're telling me this guy is recently divorced? pic.twitter.com/4kFiJ8uxHf
— Michael Pielocik (@michaelpielocik) July 20, 2021
did it hurt? when you fell in the bathroom
— rob (@OkButStill) July 20, 2021
wife: how was guarding the two paths today, honey?
— soul nate (@MNateShyamalan) July 19, 2021
guard: [looking away] fine
wife: did something happen?
the guard: [tearing up] no
wife: would the other guard tell me something happened?
https://t.co/PaJ7Eomesd pic.twitter.com/FpWh7kSbsB
— Dave Lee (@davelee1968) July 21, 2021
Girl at bachelorette party who can’t stop talking about Pirates of the Caribbean 2 Dead Man’s Chest pic.twitter.com/tQP7sfYkZK
— alex bigelow (@a__biggs) July 21, 2021
big plans this friday evening. my wife's rowing instructor says i can watch ted lasso season 2 on his ipad during their lesson
— lauren (@ActNormalOrElse) July 23, 2021
Do you love Ted Lasso or do you just wish people were nice to you
— Casey Newton (@CaseyNewton) July 24, 2021
— good quora posts (@GoodQuora) July 23, 2021
I like how there’s just one guy in the Rolling Stones that dresses like a regular 77 year-old man. pic.twitter.com/EZuTi2yr6y
— Chris Barnes (@ChrisBarnesNYC) July 23, 2021
TRACY JORDAN: c'mon, Jack! You said I could make my autobiographical miniseries after I starred in Old, the horror movie about the beach that makes you old!
— jd vance's "holler aunt" (@markpopham) July 25, 2021
JACK DONAGHY: *to Liz, sotto voce* "Old: The Horror Movie About The Beach That Makes You Old" did VERY well
i am not a "snake oil salesman." i am merely making information about various snake oils available to you
— Richie Deals (@allahliker) July 26, 2021
私は日本人です。
— 成瀬 鳴 / Naruse Naru【にじさんじ】 (@narusenaru_2434) July 30, 2021
I’m Japanese.
日本語を教えます。
I teach you some Japanese.
とても簡単です。
Very easy.
かみ[kami]
Hair
かみ[kami]
Paper
かみ[kami]
Top
かみ[kami]
God
— Colin Spacetwinks (@spacetwinks) July 30, 2021
[taking a toy phone a child gave me] hello? the president!? wow! hi mr. president! do you want to talk to Julie she's ri–what? wait, who? woah, woah slow down…oh my god. jesus christ. shit…shit…ok I'm on my way. [hangs up] Julie I have to go. Elmo has been assassinated.
— em (@embeeonhere) July 29, 2021
dated a guy who was missing a crucial apartment component ONE TIME and she will never let it go pic.twitter.com/1arLcOKdLU
— Delia Cai (@delia_cai) July 30, 2021